Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Emotional Laryngitis

I'm feeling kinda stupid right now. Okay, actually REALLY stupid.

Women get the same advice time and time again: Don't lose yourself in a relationship! Stay true to yourself! Did I heed that advice? Oh hell no. I didn't realize this until I logged into this account and realized that I hadn't posted anything since Oct 27, 2010! Yes, 2010! Don't get me wrong, I have been writing. I have pages and pages of obsession and self-doubt in my journals. Many paragraphs devoted to wondering when he'll call, if he'll call. Endless Facebook posts about how giddy he makes me feel. Can I kick myself now? No kicking? How about self-disembowlment?

This all came to a screaming, hideous end this past weekend. I'll spare you the details and myself future humiliation. As it is, I tend to overshare. In fact, my over-sharing was the reason I stopped posting and shut down this blog. I was afraid his family would read it and disapprove. I imagined their horrified expressions as they read my F-bomb laden rants, musings about my absent libido, and none-too-subtle allusions to our sex life. Now I can see with mortifying clarity what my sister Debi saw: a swooning 13-year-old schoolgirl in a 47-year-old body. Yet it's not my pathetically lovelorn posts that I'm most ashamed of. It's the fact that I stopped posting and silenced my voice in order to avoid rejection. Now THAT kills me.

So why didn't I just change my writing style? You know, write about cupcakes and makeup? Because that is not who I am. I would have been writing what I wanted them to read instead of writing what I needed to say. I am irreverent, audacious and sometimes a bit too graphic. Those are the qualities most people say they like about me the most, so isn't it ironic that I would hide the best of myself in order to gain approval?

I once promised I'd never try to change him. I didn't. What I did was worse. I tried to change myself.

Well boys and girls, consider my writing hiatus over. From now on it's less swoon, more sass and plenty of TMI!

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